No One In History Has Ever Converted A Goth Into A Christian
If you’re a Christian looking to convert a Goth into a law-abiding Christian, trust me it’s not worth it.
Trying to do so is extremely dangerous. He will inform his Gothic allies about your attempts to convert him and they’ll visit you nightly in your sleep and begin to smash your face to pieces with flags, clothes irons and smoked kippers.
Instead it’s best to leave a Goth to his religion. For he has already chosen the Dark path and to try to convince him otherwise will just make him even more stubborn!
How To Convince Your Best Friend Not To Become Goth
If you sense that your best friend is interesting in becoming a Goth, then it’s important to list the negative aspects of Goth life to him.
Tell him that he’ll be shunned by society and made to be a laughing stock in his peers. Tell him that he’ll be coerced into drinking blood like a Vampire in order to be accepted into the group. Tell him that he’ll have to give up any chance he had of getting into Heaven with Jesus if he turns into a dark one.
Most importantly, let it be known that you’ll no longer be his friend if he becomes Goth. Everyone else will think you’re a Goth too if you hang around with him!!
How To Tell If A Goth Guy Likes You Or Not!
If a Goth guy loves you then he’ll follow you everywhere. He’ll turn up in the girls restrooms and ask if he can wipe your ass after you’ve dumped. Report him to the authorities immediately before he becomes totally infatuated with you.
Once he’s head over heels in love, he’ll starting carving your name into his chest which could result in serious blood loss if your name is ‘Cassandra’. If he’s a Cyber Goth he might go once step further and chop off his rod and stick a big plastic neon-green fake one where his old member once stood, just to show how much you mean to him.
Trust me, you’ll know it when a Goth Guy likes you, so if it’s in doubt in anyway he obviously isn’t interested!
You Can’t Be A Real Goth Unless You Smoke Cigarettes!
Apparently it is necessity for a Goth to smoke at least 20 cigarettes a day otherwise they are not considered to be a real Goth.
How disgusting is that?
Not only are Goths mindless drones but they are giving themselves and others around them an enhanced risk of lung cancer just because of their filthy habit.
Goths aren’t scared to use their cigarettes as a weapon either. So if you’re close to one and they’re annoyed at you, beware! They won’t hesitate for one moment to jab you in the eye with a lit cigarette.
What To Do If Your Girlfriend Breaks Up With You For Being Goth!
If your girlfriend leaves you because of your Gothic tendancies then the only person to blame is yourself.
Please remember that not all girls like having their necks bitten or being locked inside a coffin against their will. You might think that you’re doing the Good Lord Dracula a favor by acting like a pre-historic demi-God, but you’re only doing yourself harm in the long run.
When she breaks up with you, be a real man and drink, swear and perve over other women who tickle your fancy.
Whatever you do, don’t cut like an Emo!
Goth Pale Skin – How Goth’s Achieve The Dead Pale Look
Have you ever wondered why most Goths are so goddamn pale? Well here’s a convenient 3 step explanation of the root cause of the wanness.
- Goths never go outside as they are afraid of absolutely everything from cats to bleeping sneakers. This means that they never see any sunlight at all.
- Goths usually have drinking problems which means that they are constantly ill and lacking proper nutrition, resulting in a pale, pasty complexion.
- Many Goths actually try to dye their own skin with bleach to achieve an even paler hue.
An Anti Goth Dress Code Does Not Count As Religious Discrimination In School Or In Work
OK, we’ve already established that Goth is a religion. This, however does not mean that Goths should be free to dress as they please in school.
They need to take other students thoughts into consideration before coming in dressed as the Grim Reaper! I remember seeing Goth Kids in school and having to run to the restroom before I shat myself. I couldn’t learn in that sort of environment.
That’s why it’s not discriminatory for schools to enforce Anti Goth dress codes. It just makes sense.
I Hate How Goths Always Pick Really Goofy Nick Names For Themselves
If you’ve spent any time at all over on websites like Dark Starlings or Vampire Freaks you’ll quickly realize that Goths typically call themselves by these ‘cute’ little nicknames like ‘Lord Scissorkill’ or Madame Razorfuck’
The sad thing is that I’ve met people like this in real life and they are typically geeks with names like Winston or Nigel who become enraged if you fail to address them by their internet moniker.
It’s time to face facts. You are called Nigel. No one will call you ‘Madame Razorfuck’ no matter how much you threaten them!
Why Goth Is A Religion – It’s Adherents Can’t Think For Themselves!
Goth is essentially a religion where freethought is discouraged and it’s adherents must conform to the Gothic dress-code, lest they incur the wrath of the many Goth Gods.
Instead of congregating in Churches, Goths typically meet up at alcohol stores and cemeteries where they harm themselves with sticks and prickly badgers as an offering to Layne Staley.
If you are stupid enough to criticize the Goth religion in front of a cult member they will reprimand you immediately for your mistake and kick your face into pieces.
You’ve been warned.
Why Goth Chicks Rarely Date Guys Who Aren’t Goth!
Gothic women are very demanding when it comes to selecting a lifelong partner.
In order to ensure that their children are raised as Goths, the women must marry another Goth man as no one sane would allow their children to be called ‘Bloodclot’, ‘Raven’ or ‘Zeus’. Since Goth is essentially a religion, the female must do everything to preserve the Goth heritage otherwise she’ll be afraid of being tortured forever in Hell by Anton LaVey.
The sad thing is that Goth Chicks will are renowned for stubbing cigarettes out in the eyes of non-Goth males who attempt to make an approach.